Voila, un petite pièce de theatre en anglais. Ecrit par Teclit Tlane, qu'on ne vois pas souvent sur le forum et quelques autres.
Caracters
- The Lord, Sir John Davis.
- Scientistes James and Bond.
- Master Yoda, The lawyer
- Miss Jesabelle Ofzecorner
-The Robot R2B3.
Scene 1
James: The Lord will never sell the robot
Bond: Sure, it only makes mistakes.
James: It put puts dumps on the desk, it eats newspapers…
Bond: [ironical] Of course, it threw the fridge through the window…
James: On the Lord’s car certainly.
Bond: We are lucky. He didn’t discovered that.
James: I wish I had an ice-cream after lunch.
(The Lord comes in)
Davis: Good morning ladies.
The scientists: Good morning sir.
Davis: Is the robot ready?
The scientists: [hesitate] Yes, yes….of course.
Davis: Thank you. Go away now. I am waiting for a client.
(The scientists leave)
Scene 2
(The lord polishes the robot, Jesabelle and Yoda come in)
Yoda: [to the Davis, with a French accent] My client wants to see the president of your company: Mister John Davis.
Davis: [Looking around] I am Sir John Davis!
Yoda: Oh I thought you were a road-sweeper [he laughs, Davis stay impassive, Jesabelle is distressed, he stops to laugh] hum, hum…Let me introduce you to my client: Jesabelle Ofzecorner.
Davis: Miss Ofzecorner [kissing her hand], nice to meet you.
Jesabelle: Thanks Mister, you are a gentleman. But it’s time to talk of our deal. Master, can you…?
Yoda: Yes of course, I got the contract, I have all the files we need and doesn’t need for the deal [searching on his satchel]… a minute [searching again]… I don’t understand I was sure it was there [He bring the contract of his pocket] Oh it was here, oh yes, yes I forgot…hum, hum [reading the contract]. “The buyer…” It’s you Miss Ofzecorner, “…commits himself to buy all the production of R.Davis and co…” it’s your company sir, “…when he signed the contract…” hum…hum…well this part of the text isn’t interesting…
Davis: But…
Yoda: “…The buyer can break the deal if the robot isn’t ready…” that part of the text is annoying too…
Jesabelle: But…
Yoda: Please, let me do my work… Oh! That part if the contract is fundamental: “…When the contract will be signed, the Lawyer, Master Yoda…” It’s me “…will be paid [with insistence] 25,000£…”
Davis: Well, it seems to be clear…
Yoda: “…or 38,112 euros…”
Jesabelle: Thank you Master we…
Yoda: “…or 39,947 $...”
Jesabelle: We understand Mast…
Yoda: “…or…”
Davis: [in a frenzy of anger] shut up!
(Silence)
Davis: Sorry…hum. Well the contract seems to be correct; I think we could sign it.
Jesabelle: I agree Sir. But before, I want to see if the robot is ready.
Davis: No problem.
Jesabelle: I’ve got your prospectus about the robot, we could see if it is really able to do what you said.
Davis: Of course, but you know it an old prospectus, the robot can do many new things: cooking, painting, horse-riding…
Yoda: Swimming?
Davis: Yes!
Yoda: Doing homework?
Davis: Yes!
Jesabelle: Making love?
Davis: Ye…!... I’m not sure…But I call the scientists [talking higher] Misses come in please, we need you.
Scene 3
(James and Bond come in)
Bond: Yes milord?
Davis: Well miss James…
Bond: No! Bond, my name is Bond. [Showing James] James! [Showing herself] Bond.
Davis: [embarrassing] well, it’s not the problem, Miss Jesabelle, that ladies are the scientists who have created the robot that y…
Jesabelle: Oh! That interesting.
Bond: What?
Davis: I said you were the scientists who had created the robot.
James: Us?
Bond: She and me?
(They lock out-stage)
The scientists: No!
Davis: But yes! They are! You are!
James: Are we?
Bond: If he says that…I am not sure but…
Davis: [nervous] Oh! Stop talking and stimulate the robot.
James and Bond: WHAT!
Davis: Stimulate the robot, it’s not difficult.
James: But are you sure?
Davis: What?
Bond: You really want that we rouse the robot?
Davis: Of course I am sure.
James: But… are you really sure?
Davis: [higher] Yes
Bond: Absolutely sure?
Davis: [higher] Yes!
James: But are you …?
Davis: [in a frenzy of anger] Yes! Now shut up and stimulate the robot!
(In a panic, the scientists stimulated the robot; it stands up and made one’s way to head Jesabelle)
Robot: [to Jesabelle, menacing] Sarah Connor?
(In a panic, the scientists run to the robot and desiccative it)
Bond: No problem, we just have to do…
James: a last adjustment.
(The scientists hit the robot with a hammer and talk together)
Bond: I think it a connection problem.
James: No, no…I believe it’s a short circuit
Bond: Connection!
James: Short circuit!
Yoda: I feel there is a problem with the neuropositronic system.
Jesabelle: What you know some?
Davis: [to Jesabelle] well do you want something to exercise patience? A tea? A drink? An ice-cream…?
Bond: [in a panic] No! There is no ice-cream! And no drink…and no fridge too.
Davis: What! But why…?
James: That’s right, the robot is ready! (She stimulate the robot, it opens his eyes and begins to dance and sing “everybody need somebody”, Bond hits it at the stomach, the robot closes his eyes, opens it and smiles)
Robot: Hello, I am R2B3 [L5G8, v1.5] at your service. [To Jesabelle] Nice to meet you miss.
Davis: Robot, can you …?
Robot: I wasn’t talking to you mister, I talk to her [showing Jesabelle] because she is very cute and she has beautiful breasts.
Jesabelle: [nervous] what? [James hits the robot in the head; Yoda laughs] why do you laugh Master?
Yoda: It was so funny [laughing], so funny to see you making bridge by a robot [laughing]; it seemed so serious. [His file drops on the ground. Compromising photographs left there, he stops to laugh and takes quickly his photos] No problem, miss…talk with the robot, there is no problem…
Jesabelle: Well……Hello R2B……Hello Robot, what are your faculties?
Robot: I speak English, Yo hablo ingles, Je parle anglais.
Jesabelle: [To Davis] so it speaks English, Spanish and French?
James: Not exactly…but it can say “I speak English” in that different language.
Yoda: [Bringing out a prospectus of his pocket] Your prospectus says that the robot speaks forty-seven languages…It’s a lie!
Bond: No, no, it will speak all that languages quickly, I am sure…I Think…I believe…I hope…
Davis [a little nervous, to the scientists] I hope so, for you… don’t worry Miss Ofzecorner the robot can do many other things [gives a piece of rag to the robot] I want you to clean the dusk in racks.
(The robot begin to clean Jesabelle’s breast)
Jesabelle: [shouting and repulsive the robot] Oh! What are you doing?
Robot: I’m cleaning racks miss.
James: [hit the robot in the head] Stupid!
Bond: [showing to the robot] There!
Robot: [with a sight] I preferred the first rack…
Yoda: [with a sight] Me too…
Jesabelle: What?
Yoda: Nothing… Hum…Sir Davis; about the price… how much do you want for a robot?
Davis: Good question, what about 10000 £
Yoda: It’s too much: 5000 £
Davis: 9000!
Yoda: 7000!
Davis: 15000!
Yoda: Great! What a nice deal!
Jesabelle: But Master you…
Yoda: Let me do my works Miss; I am the best liar…hum lawyer of England and of France.
(During the negotiations, the robot takes Jesabelle’s bag and throws it by the window, the scientists doesn’t say a word but Bond runs out, then she comes back with the bag)
Jesabelle: Hey! What are you doing with my bag?
Bond: Me? Hum…I took for a walk with it, because…you know the sun is essential to conserve a nice bag’s health.
Jesabelle: But it’s raining
James: [embarrassing] that not a problem.
Yoda: Oh miss me have a question on the prospectus… [Reading the prospectus] It’s also write that the robot can fly.
Davis: [surprised] what?
James: No…no, we never said that it was possible.
Yoda: Hum? [Reading the prospectus] Oh… Oh! OH ![laughs] I understand [continue], it’s my fault, the prospectus is in French and I translated the word “voler” by “fly” instead of “steal” [laughing alone; stops] hum hum…
Robot: That’s right Master, I am an excellent pickpocket. And I could show you. I’ve got something of all, of you since five minutes [it shows all that it stole]: Miss James’ sunglasses,
Miss Ofzecorner wristwatch, Mister Davis’ denture and Master Yoda’s “Playboy”.
(They take their own ships, when at last James takes her sunglasses, the robot hit her posterior, surprised she leaps up]
James: Oh!
Jesabelle: What happened?
James: Nothing…I have the hiccoughs.
Jesabelle: [Taking the prospectus] Well…oh interesting, the robot can read human’s thoughts.
Bond: Yes, but only men’s thoughts.
Jesabelle: Why?
James: Because the neuropositronic’s system is very flimsy and…
Bond: …women’s thoughts can destroy the fractals- lobs because…
Jesabelle: I don’t understand.
Bond: More easily…
James: …it could only read men’s thoughts because women’s thoughts are too elaborated…
Bond: …whereas men’s thoughts are always very basic.
Robot: That’s right! [Locking at Yoda] You think that with all the money you will win today you could see all the striptease’s clubs of London.
Yoda: No, no! It’s not true.
Robot: [locking at Davis] You think that Master Yoda is very nice-locking and that you would love to kiss hi…
Davis: [in a frenzy of anger] Bond! Stops that stupid faculty, it is broken!
Jesabelle: [amusing] Are you sure?
Bond: [in panic] Yes milord [she stops the robot’s faculty, it hits her posterior too, she learns up too] Oh! I…I have the hiccoughs too…
Jesabelle: [to Davis] mister, I can see that the robot isn’t ready so I can’t buy it on that conditions.
Robot: Wait my dear! You must buy me. I am full of talents [then the robot hits her posterior, sue learns up]
Jesabelle: [in indignation] Oh!
Yoda: You have the hiccoughs too?
Jesabelle: [nervous] No! No, but that stupid robot hit my posterior. I will never buy it! [She takes the contract] And I won’t sign that. [She tears the contract]
Yoda and Davis: NO! [They jump in the contract’s crumbs and they cry]
Jesabelle: [locking everyone] Stupid! Stupid! [Then she left].
Accueil 
